Soul Selling
One of my favorite quotes comes from the movie The Players Club. It’s also from the main character, my favorite character—Diamond. In this particular scene, Diamond is sharing wisdom with her younger cousin, who is 18 years old and just moved a great distance to stay with her. This cousin, though, turns out to be a handful. She decided to start stripping at the same club where Diamond works. Diamond decided to become employed at this place, after quitting the shoe store, when she learned she could be making more money and faster at the local strip club. This decision was compounded by her strong desire to finish school at the community college and make a better life for her and her son, especially as a single mother.
After one too many nights staying out late, not coming home for days at a time, and learning that her younger cousin has been hanging out with two bad influences, Ronnie and Tricks from the club, Diamond decides to intervene. She warns her cousin of the consequences of her actions lately and that all money ain’t good money—she ends the emotionally tense encounter by saying: “make the money, don’t let the money make you.”
Will the Devil Taketh, or Will You Give it Away?
I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve sacrificed myself…given away my authority, my power in order to receive something—in order to compensate (unknowingly) for a hole, a void that was inside of me. Most often, I did this by disregarding my instincts, the voice of inner knowing. I was perceiving something and instead of walking in it, instead of being obedient—I settled for being accompanied with the common opinion…the cheaper, lesser things. I settled for being small inside so that others might find me easier to deal with and understand. In more intimate relationships, the places and things I allowed myself to do in order to feel the warmth of intimacy—only to find myself colder than ever, in the end.
The difference between Diamond and her younger cousin, in this example, is that Diamond was hypersensitive of her motive for stripping. She was clear about her needs, her goals—and to get there, this is what she had to do. No, it wasn’t the classiest of jobs, but she would work to bring class and honor to it. She would not settle for selling her soul to the devil for money or to what others around her were doing and becoming. Her cousin, on the other hand, had something missing at her core. Her actions demonstrated this point. She followed behind Ronnie and Tricks, doing any and everything not only for money, but for social acceptance. She sacrificed something so special in order to be liked, in order to fit in, in order to get money. She gave up her integrity, her self-respect, her “I am.” She gave them up for things that fade, for things that don’t last. Was it worth it? Well, I’d encourage you to watch the movie (particularly the ending) in order to find out.
**Warning: should you decide to watch “The Players Club,” there are some scenes that could be (deeply) triggering or evoking for some. Watch with caution.**
Mouth to mouth.
This work can be tricky, messy at times. For a while, I struggled with understanding my needs—let alone my wants, desires and dreams. This process was greatly stifled by being starved of many of the things I needed in childhood, for proper and secure growth and development. I survived, of course. But in doing so, I cut away parts of myself. Basic human emotions were turned off; I allowed and needed things to die, all in my attempt to survive. Since then, I’ve been going back giving mouth to mouth, reviving the areas of me that I need…that I need to be whole and full. It hasn’t been easy; it hasn’t been comfortable, regaining contact. I’ve felt like Diamond, many times. I’ve felt like I was on a pole, naked, doing things that I didn’t necessarily want to do—but knew, deeply within, were required in order to meet my long term goals. Much of this, much of what I am speaking of, is not only shadow work—but a response to experiences that are new and unfamiliar. It’s a result of leaving the familiarity of a toxic past (but was known, and thus comforting) and moving towards a better future, but one with no recognizable point of reference.
You may be in a season where only the rawest form of courage will do, as you attempt to venture back through those locked doors and burial sites. In doing so, you may be scared (embarrassed and deeply vulnerable at times)—but you also understand your desire for freedom and wholeness is being strengthened. Know that you are doing the work necessary to free yourself, to free yourself from the kinds of energy patterns that will only continue to follow you, if not properly dealt with. It’s is only by dealing with the things you never properly met and grieved, that you will become more sensitive of your needs, desires, and dreams. And its from this place of clarity that you will more gracefully attract and manifest from your heart.