Scarred Well
I wanted it more than anything else at that point in my life. I thought it was essential to life, to a happy and free life at least. I didn’t know how or if I would survive without it. Inside, I felt like a fish out of water: floundering, helplessly waiting for someone to restore me back to my righteous place.
I was familiar, even then, with the words all things will work together for your good. But when, I constantly wondered? How much longer would I have to wait? Yes, I kept hope alive—but only because I was cornered with no other options…only because without it, I’d cease to exist. I was struggling to see the difference between the people around me and the God I prayed to at night. I was beginning to think this All Knowing Force had a special fascination with pain and suffering. If the Divine was love, I had yet to experience it. Most of all, why would you not give me what I needed?
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David Richo in his book, When the Past is Present (Healing the Emotional Wounds that Sabotage Our Relationships), discusses that we all need, in order to grow into healthy, secure adults, the 5 A’s during our early growth and development: attention, acceptance, appreciation, affection, and allowance.
As I read his perspective, I couldn’t help but reflect on that strong desire I had to fit in and be seen early in life. I couldn’t help but wonder, imagine how many others were deprived. How many others are still living in deficiencies? And—if childhood was the time for being filled with the 5A’s, what would one do now?
The Thorns & The Rose.
I don’t believe they just go away. I don’t believe you can ever truly disregard what was your past, the things that made you, you. In some ways, we must realize that our sore spots—our thorns will always be there. The difference is, however, with time and healing—we realize our thorns are accompanied by a rose. With mindfulness, we can use our understanding of what we didn’t receive and go about providing it to ourselves—or from others in healthy, wholesome ways. In this way, where we were once powerless, we become powerful. Now, we understand that we hold the power in reparenting ourselves. Now, we can become sensitive to our own needs and work to fulfill them. It’s in realizing that although we do need others, although we grow most through our relationships with others—we don’t have to be toxically dependent. We don’t have to wait hand and foot, any longer, for attention, acceptance, appreciation, affection, and allowance. Why? Because we have found these things from a deeper source above and within. We realize that we actually survived without the very things we needed. We realize that we are resilient and this knowledge of ourselves is sustaining. We realize that we’ve learned many lessons from our past, principally compassion, acceptance, and how to forgive. We become motivated by living a fulfilled life, one inspired by peace, love, and joy. And in order to do this, we can only be responsible for our portion, our half in any relationship—and we must allow others to take care of theirs.
The first step, for us, is recognizing and accepting our past. Then, we open our hearts to the Divine and we ask for guidance so that we might be healed…scarred well.
Perspective, Yes. Perspective.
Maybe, you say, that’s just a perspective. Maybe, you grunt, this is just another way of seeing things. And I’d say, you’re correct. Healing isn’t somehow void from the very rules that guides and dictates all other aspects in life. Everything is about perspective. All we have is perspective. So, you must ask yourself: is how you are seeing your past serving you? Is your outlook towards the future serving you? What do your scars mean to you, today?