Blemished Whole
Im per fec tion
a fault, blemish, or undesirable feature.
the state of being faulty or incomplete.
Attached and Contracted.
Rest assured, you weren’t born thinking this way. You didn’t enter the world looking at yourself as imperfect. Consider how you learned to walk, to talk, to write. Think about how you learned when to associate Christmas with giving and receiving gifts, Valentines Day with love, and Thanksgiving with turkey. Who taught you pink is for girls and blue is for boys? You watched. You learned through feedback and engagement with your world. And, the day you started to question yourself…the day you started looking in the mirror questioning what you saw, is the day you finally passed the test. It’s the day you agreed and signed your name on the dotted line.
“In the earliest stages of life, it is possible for a child to forget about the extreme acts of cruelty he or she has endured and to idealize her perpetrator. But the nature of the subsequent enactment reveals that the whole history of early persecution was stored up somewhere…In psychoanalytic treatment, the story is enacted within the framework of transference and counter-transference.” —Alice Miller, For Your Own Good
Deciding to Stay.
I was often on guard, waiting. Waiting to spring into action—I never knew if I’d have to call 911 or if running down the lane to get help might be a better course of action. The weight of such decisions sat heavy on me, then, at 5, 6, and 7 years old. But, what puzzled me most was not the verbal and physical abuse I witnessed, it was wondering how a person could stay in a situation that brought such obvious and deep pain. I promised myself that I wouldn’t…that I would never EVER tolerate that kind of mistreatment, that I would never allow another human to put their hands on me.
1) Forgetfulness
However it starts, if it’s not interceded and addressed, it will build (and eventually bind). It’ll pile up. It’ll get out of hand—and it will lead you to forget. It’ll rob you of those precious inner memories and feelings of being special, pure, and adored…of knowing that you really can be anything in this world, in this life. It’ll black out your healthy, ceaseless dreaming of the places your heart desires to go and who you were destined to become. It’ll force you to believe that peace, joy, and a life of ease is nothing but a fantasy.
2) Subordination
I really thought I was doing good. To date, not a single person (outside of the occasional childhood spanking) has ever put their hands on me in an abusive way. Not one, except one: me. Yes, you could say that I have a history of abuse: physically, verbally and emotionally. I have a history of looking in the mirror and not liking what I see. I have a history of beating myself up and shaming all over my body. I have a history of forcing realities and setting impossible standards—and then, beating myself over and over again for not meeting them.
For so long, I thought I had avoided the trap. In reality, what I had done was transferred the undealt with and unprocessed energy to another, less obvious area of my life. I thought denying meant dealing with. Yet, this energy and pattern came from witnessing trauma. I saw abuse, and I then became both the abused and abuser. I witnessed lack and unworthiness, and I attached myself to it. I learned to believe, directly and indirectly, in the message of rejection and subordination.
The energy of oppression (regardless of its origination and form of manifestation) is one of the most debilitating and restrictive of all energies.
Deciding to Leave.
1) Remembering (Your Identity)
Luckily, there is a part of us that could never truly forget. It’s regarded as the most powerful organ and chakra (energy center) of all: the heart. It’s in the place of our hearts that true knowing and wisdom resides. It’s our heart that remembers and reminds us. It’s our heart that, in small but special moments, experiences what we knew before we forgot…before we became influenced. The mind might betray you, but your heart never will. The nudges of the heart are subtle, but powerful; and, when you’ve allowed yourself to be worn and weakened, when you are tired enough and finally ready to listen, you will hear its voice.
In this year, 2022, the year of the beaver—it’s ultimately your identity that’s being resorted. The knowledge of who you truly are is being brought back to your awareness. You may be noticing the distance you are creating with experiences that have happened to you in the past—the ones that have kept you trapped and hidden inside. You may be witnessing a more confident enforcing of your boundaries. You are staying more firm to your no’s. You may be more connected than ever to your sense of purpose and the level of authority that naturally follows this. You are realizing that you’re not alone, that you have support around you. Yes, you are surely noticing and witnessing a connection reestablishing itself within you.
2022, The Beaver Returns: https://www.darrienjamar.com/resources/2022thebeaver
2) Wholly.
Let it. Allow it. Allow your awareness to continue scanning over your life. Allow the synchronicities to be true, allow the confirmations to continue occurring. This is your season, this is the appointed time. Close your eyes and feel the winds shifting. I know—I know your past wasn’t all that you wanted it to be: perfect. I know, in your mind you think you should be here, there and have accomplished this and that. I know you feel behind and trapped by time. But it’s time now; it’s time to explore options provided by the heart, not your mind. I’d like to open your heart to understanding your imperfections have perfecting power. Allow your perceived blemishes to make you whole. Allow your scars to also bring you beauty. It’s time to see what powers were embedded in your faults for you.