Cracked & Broken, But Whole
Not yet out of breath, all of my attention could be devoted to this tiny, but important task. It was one of the reasons I despised track. But, I did it…knowing that the other spring sports, soccer and baseball (🥴, no offense) were obvious no-go’s for me.
I could hear Ms. Byrd, the girls Track & Field Coach, yelling somewhere from the center field: “leave your shorts alone‼️.“
After each race she’d rush up and scold me. For four years she did this. Each year, this lesson remained unsolved and unlearned. Until…until yesterday, as I was running, ironically. 🌱
—
As I was running against traffic, an audience of random cars watching—the urge, stronger than the one to itch, was there again.
Mindfully—I resisted the reflex to re-adjust myself. I fought against wiping my lips, ensuring that they were free of that cotton-like residue. Instead, gently, I followed behind the anxious thoughts. I listened to what they had to say.
I continued running, but this time, along with those long-time feelings of being vulnerable (seen) and out of control (imperfect). Slowly, the thoughts, the feelings, and the old responses died away. 🦂
—
Some of our greatest life lessons may lay in storage for a warm, sunny day in our future. 🌻Gems they are, crucial pieces to our wholeness. The only way we can access them, of course, is by doing the (inner) work. The only code needed is an enduring level of patience. And then, (maybe 12 years later 🙌🏽), almost magically—we unlock the door. 🧚🏽Out walks a sense of inner permission that we didn’t know we were in need of, but waited nonetheless.🦋
For, you see, as a recovering control-aholic, a seemingly harmless task of re-adjusting my shorts each and every race (and practice) meant more than what you could see. It was a sign—a symptom of my need to control every part of my life.
It went beyond the track. It showed up in my emotional experience, always on guard selecting and integrating the feelings that I understood—evicting any that were unfamiliar and caused inner disturbance. It showed up in my relationships, impacting my ability to be close with family, friends, and partners. Unable to really feel and experience love, as I was unable to give it to myself. Always on time and never late for the train of going above and beyond for others…always presenting my ticket for the “MORE Express” or whichever train that would validate my image of being capable of doing and achieving all things—never letting down the image of perfection.
—
Maybe, just maybe, you too relate to my story of control and perfectionism. Likely, similarly, you developed this habit because it was the one and only familiar aspect of yourself that made you feel safe in a childhood environment that left you helpless and scared. I don’t deny the need, power, and instincts that have gotten me this far, I’m just acknowledging that the time is up. ⌛️
And so, here I am: WILLINGLY being cracked and broken, open. At the same time, there is this heightened part of my ego that knows nothing about this life I am stepping into—it’s weary, skeptical. It’s constantly on-guard and asking, “Are you sure? Are you sure this is next? Are you sure you aren’t going backwards?”
Gently, I whisper back, “Yes, I’m sure my love.” 🤍 “I’m sure that this is the time that I must let you go. This is the point where I, with as much gratitude as I know so far, thank you for your efforts. It’s time that I am finally free of my need to control perfect.” 🦋
~
Here are a few ways that are assisting me in fighting back this fear (#resistance), and all the things that are a mis-match from the life I’ve experienced so far:
1️⃣Remembering that you’ve committed your life to a journey of healing. Remembering that your future looks different than your past. You remember and internalize the emotions and feelings that you are reaching towards.
2️⃣You remember each and every way that God/Goddess has kept you safe…how you’ve been led through a wilderness you didn’t know would end. And—yes, although you walked through it, you eventually came out on the other side. Wiser. Stronger. Taller.
3️⃣Ride the wave to the end 🌊 With all of your might—stay with the trigger(s) or inner disturbance(s) until the end. Only if you stay on the wave will you get to see the inner workings of the thoughts, emotions, and knee-jerk reactions that are keeping you bound inside. Only by seeing this wave to the end, will you learn its ways and find yourself more empowered to CHOOSE differently. Remember, choice is where our true power lies 🦍
4️⃣Are you overlooking and discounting the power of Trust & Faith? They are invisible but mighty forces: Trust & Faith. You may find it easier to reconnect with their power by closing your eyes and whispering to the heavens, “I know you've got me. I know you’re guiding me. 🙏🏽 Even if I fear, I will keep moving forward. Even if I’m scared and tired, I will continue to press forward.”
In this second half of the year 🐘
I can feel the transformation that’s happening within some of you. 🗣🗣🗣 I can sense that egos are being cracked and broken open, and that’s a good thing. You are giving birth to another fuller, wholesome version of yourself. 🌙
All of this are beautiful signs that you are being freed 🦋 They are the afterbirth of finally releasing the “illusion of control” that you THOUGHT you had, but never really had (but, thinking you had this control provided you comfort in past seasons of your life—as you needed that to survive).
So, let go some more. 🌱 Breathe through it. You’re welcoming in the sustaining power of a loving, Guiding Force. It’s courage that has brought you this far, and it’s courage that will take you further.
—