Resistance and God.
I was 5 years old when I began my praying practice. I was led then, by curiosity and an unbounding trust in an energy that I could not see, but knew was close to me. Without fail, each night I would fall to my knees before laying me down to sleep. I would close my eyes and whisper Faithfully to the one(s) on High.
I grew believing in a power greater than myself, admitting and surrendering to the fact that I’d been created with purpose. I understood that, yes, a special Force created the sun, the stars, and the moon. Someone—and it wasn’t me or you or any of your relatives, no offense. I know that this Guiding Force is with me today, as it was then.
Except, though, certain areas and parts of my life. I’m not referring to those days when things “seem” to be going in the opposite direction of right. I’m not even talking about those days when you suspect the possibility of your life and the world around you could, at any moment, crash. Nope, not even those days when your mind is desperate for clarity and confirmation—when all the things you’ve learned and believed about yourself is no where to be found. Those lessons are all superficial to the level of resistance I’m referring to now.
Double Sided Faith.
Up until now—I’ve been picking and choosing what parts of me were on the table for healing (and thus, deeper revelation). I’ve allowed Guidance, yes, but only on certain parts. I’ve handed over the easy parts, the parts free from shame or guilt. The parts that made “sense.” But for those darker, heavier, and non-culturally approved topics, I hid them for me and me—not God. I decided that they are weights that only I could carry, not God.
Luckily, that’s the thing about healing: if you keep going and swimming out far enough, you will eventually find you’ve reached this magical point of no return.
And so, this message is for you: if you find yourself dealing with and confronting those darker, shameful parts of your personal history. This message is for you, if you’re finding that your mind (and definition of this Universal Force) is holding no solution on how to move forward and sustain your peace. Above all, this message is for you if you’ve been journey towards a fuller, wholesome version of yourself—and now find yourself stuck, stagnant.
If that’s you, then I pray this allows you to let go and sink deeper:
—Are you willing to take God off the pristine, only accepting you if you fit in a certain club kind of pedestal? Trust me, I’ve had to fight my way through this being gay thing. Being gay has created the biggest wound in my heart, it’s the number one factor that kept me from loving myself and receiving love from others. But—at some point, we must understand God beyond what we’ve been taught and beyond what culture and the Church says this Power is. We’ve updated our phones, our cars, our houses—yet, some how we’ve kept the same old, white with long hair figure of God in our minds and hearts. This image is holding us back from truly knowing oursekves, from truly leaning into trusting the unfolding of our lives. Without this trust, life will keep you feeling suffocated.
—Can you simply accept the fact that every experience (or instance of truth) is NOT meant to be an intellectual one? Meaning, there are certain things that the heart knows, that the mind has forgotten. The are certain realities that exists as truth that the mind (in its current state) has no way of receiving.
Close your eyes and feel. Feel the energy, the presence. Feel the belief. Don’t try to make sense of it, simply feel. Don’t try to intellectualize it, simply feel. Don’t ask your friend or anyone else what they think, simply feel.
As a result,
What step(s) are you now ready to make, in order to move beyond the resistance you are facing? In what ways will you allow your definition of Spirit to be expanded? Maybe these affirmations will help…
Source, I open myself to experience you as my on call Therapist. I recognize that you are credentialed to see me pass my current resistance, problems, guilt and shame.
God, I trust that you really love me, without condition. I trust that you know me, because you created me. I trust that even the darkest and most broken parts of me are bringing me closer to you today.
Creator, I accept that I don’t have to fully understand your power in order to experience you more abundantly. I open myself to be overwhelmed by your presence in my life. I receive healing beyond the limits of my belief.