The Upside of Your Dark Side: A Book Review

To Be Whole, Not Happy

The Upside of Your Dark Side takes a look at what it means to be whole: a person equipped with emotional, social, and mental agility.  When members of our society were asked what is the key factor or highly desired goal in life…they responded with happiness.  Happiness prevailed as the most commonly mentioned, above all of other aspects such as leading a meaningful life, attaining fortune, and finding a home in heaven after death. Additionally, happiness seems to have its perks:  it is linked to increased income and better immune system. Yet, of those participants who said happiness is the ultimate goal in life, only 17% of them were psychologically flourishing (Lyubomirsky, King, & Diener, 2005).  Only 17% were truly able to withstand the pressures of life, by being able to experience hardships without crumbling. It becomes apparent that there is more to life than simply being happy, we must be whole, able to experience all aspects of life without reservation.  

What does it mean to be whole?  Besides the mental, social, and emotional agility necessary at our core as we experience both positive and negative experiences, Kashdan and Biwas-Diener describe three other aspects.  Overcoming the imposter syndrome, is the first component.  We must be able, as we progress and reach different achievements in life, to fully embrace the experience without hesitancy or feelings of inferiority.  While doubt may have a tendency to poke its head out during these times, we must use it to propel us forward. Doubt does has its usefulness, at times it can motivate us to not become complacent. 

The second aspect involves the virtues of throwing in the towel, which goes against what much of culture in the United States believes.  It is important to understand both the pros and cons of pursuing a particular goal, to be able to evaluate when it is suitable to keep reaching and when to say enough is enough.  This truly requires flexibility not only in goals, but, again, in the mental, emotional, and social realms. Lastly, benefits of fantasy (sehnsucht) describes the grace afforded to us when we hold back from going after something we once desired (Frenund, A. M., & Baltes, P. B., 2007).  By engaging in fascinations of us living out our once desired goals, it serves as a protective measure to the sting of a lost opportunity. It allows us to dwell in a world outside of reality to provide satiety to the opportunity not taken.  When we embrace these aspects of what it means to be a whole person, when we begin to face all of life and not just the happy parts, that’s when we become whole. 

A Comfortable Culture

Abraham Maslow in the year 1943 proposed the Hierarchy of Needs theory, in which he described the fundamental elements that humans need as we grow, in order to lead a fulfilling life.  These needs, described on a hierarchy, included at the fundamental level physiological needs, safety, love/belonging, esteem, and the ultimate goal, self-actualization. Interwoven at each level are more details regarding the components that aide in satisfying that particular need.  Not included, however, is the need for comfort. Comfort is a pleasure sought after in the external, material world that Americans, in particular, have come quite accustom to seeking. Not only did Maslow not include comfort within the hierarchy as one of our basic needs, but history has been filled with hints of discouragement from the inclusion of comfort in our society.  For instance, in Hamlet’s famous “To be, or not to be” speech he encouraged us not to choose death (although it may indeed be the easier route), but to take on life despite all of the adversity that for sure will come our way (Shakespeare, 2007). Our prominent psychologist Freud, was also wary about a culture growing fascinated in the idea of comfort. His instinct, and rightful prediction, on comfort lead him to speak against pursing comfort as the primary motivation for action because he thought it would lead to selfish decisions and have negative consequences on a culture (Freud, 1930).  For sure, we were being warned by some of the most prominent teachers of life.

So, where has the inclusion of comfort led our society today?  What impact has it made on us as a people, particularly here in the United States.  As a modern people, we have become less able to handle adversity, from personal life matters to issues in mental and physical health that are now prominent in today’s world (such as anxiety and food sensitivities, for example).  Following the advances in the social and economic climate of the 1980s and 1990s we began to hear the terms “comfort foods” and laws such as “Death with dignity” sprung forth, which served as an escape route (death) for those who found life to be too uncomfortable, unable to bear.  This is when we really began to see people becoming more interested in what particular mattress or pillows they were buying, overlooking the fact that having a house in itself is a luxury that not many even today have the chance to experience.

Above all, however, we have seen the largest impact on children.  It was also around the 1980’s, with the birth of the “Baby on Board” signs, that we began to see parents more protective than ever before. They have become more active in schools, as we have seen with the remodeling of playgrounds to make them safer. Parents are even more prone to having conflicting desires for their children:  on one hand they want their child to be pushed to the edge, but then they want them to also be happy and understood and liked by everyone. Thus, the culture within the United States is engulfed in a sea of comfort and it has led us to what has been termed, experiential avoidance (Hayes, Wilson, Gifford, Follette, & Strosahl, 1996).  This concept states that we put all of our energy into avoiding any unwanted experiences and, in the process of doing so, we are so consumed in resisting the realities of life that we miss the opportunity to engage the present.  As we have grown better able at satisfying our need for comfort, it has also thinned our range and ability to navigate life’s hardships. As a result of not having the necessary tools to overcome the everyday hazards of life, we see a nation dealing with the crisis of decreased psychological health (anxiety, for instance) and increased aggression because we lack patience.  For sure, we missed the warning signs from those wise people who walked before us…

What are your thoughts? Is it more important to be happy or whole? Have we become too comfortable as a culture?

References

Frenund, A. M., & Baltes, P. B. (2007). Toward a developmental psychology of sehnsucht (life longings): The optimal (utopian) life. Developmental Psychology, 43(3), 778-795. 

Freud, S. (1930). Civilization and Its Discontents. London: Hogarth Press. 

Hayes, S. C., Wilson, K.G., Gifford, E. V., Follette, V. M., & Strosahl, K. (1996). Experiential avoidance and behavioral disorders: A functional dimensional approach to diagnosis and treatment. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 64(6), 1,152-1,168. 

Lyubomirsky, S., King, L., & Diener, E. (2005) The benefits of frequent positive affect: Does happiness lead to success? Psychological Bulletin, 131(6), 803-855. 

Shakespeare, W. (2007). Hamlet (J. Dolven, Ed.). New York:  Barnes & Noble. Act III, Scene I, Line LV.  

Walljasper, J. (2011, October). Elinor ostrom's 8 principles for managing a commons. On The Commons, Retrieved from http://www.onthecommons.org/magazine/elinor-ostroms-8-principles-managing-commmons#sthash.jM3zf0B1.Iv7nwCzm.dpbs